An adopted person finds at particular stages of their life asking the question: “Who am I?” This could be subtle, lasting only a moment, or it could surface and last longer. This manifests in different ways and for many can cause confusion of thought and a wondering of why they feel this way. It can become difficult to come up with an answer. Some bury this feeling to cope and intensely involve themselves in life's external activities to avoid this thought and feeling. But, there is a sense of something else, and that something else cannot be reached because they don't understand who the other self is, which is the authentic (biological) self, separate to the nurtured adopted self. The predominant cause of this feeling is the removal of the child from the biological mother.
Self has been distorted by living without genetic markers while growing up in non-biological families. There is no genetic mirroring, which could be also described as a psyche disconnection. Genetic mirroring allows the child and mother to build a united and biological bond for a more harmonious growth.
Dr Bessel Van Der Kolk: "Things can go seriously wrong when mothers are unable to tune in to their baby's physical reality. If a mother cannot meet her baby's impulses and needs, 'the baby learns to become the mother's idea of what the baby is.' Having to discount its inner sensations, and trying to adjust to its caregiver's needs, means the child perceives that 'something is wrong' with the way it is. Children who lack physical attunement are vulnerable to shutting down the direct feedback from their bodies, the seat of pleasure, purpose, and direction."
When the child and mother's connection is broken at an early age, say six weeks of age, the child goes through serious psychological trauma from this broken connection. The adoptive mother saved the child from annihilation. The child bonds with the adoptive mother as her being the source of survival and safety from the trauma. The adoptive mother then becomes an implicit saviour of the child's psychological disconnection. The child goes through life (implicitly) hanging on to this connection. When the adoptive mother dies, the child goes through the trauma again, and has great difficulty in letting go, even after death, because this safety bond is so strong. It is explicitly gone.
Understanding biological symbiosis is important. When the child is taken from the mother at an early age the connection of biological symbiosis is cut. This leaves an implicit loss for both mother and child and manifests within the body and psyche as a blueprint of loss. It becomes implicit for the child as the child has no explicit memory at that early stage of life.
Adoption affects all functioning: biological, psychological, social, and spiritual. It can also be a positive attribute to life, but it can also be traumatic to open up the truth as the child is entering the realm of the implicit loss of biological symbiosis.
Finding your true authentic identity is important for the true movement towards Self-Fulfillment in Life. And that takes Inner-Study, listening and watching yourself over a long period of time, detaching from societies influences - to Understand - "Yes, this is really me," I can implicitly and calmly feel it, understand it, live with it, with a calm content, and understand the peace it has. I know now, what I have been, is a confused individual, searching, without knowing this, searching for Me.
Yet, as Bob found out, it also includes academically studying Psychosomatics - the knowledge of how the body, brain and mind work together in harmony. Without knowing this, each one of us is caught up with the influences and doctrine of society, where economics rule, rather than personal harmony. Where seeking pleasure takes over from the more advanced resources of peace within.
Many adoptees define themselves as the way they respond behaviourally and emotionally. Which is incorrect; as in many ways this comes from an implicit memory of separation from the mother, and in most cases behaviour and emotion do not define who they are intrinsically or genetically. These early experiences are imprinted as an implicit memory and creates a fundamental impairment in self-organization. Left unresolved means living with a type of false identity. Explicit memory changes over time. Implicit memory does not, and if the trauma is earlier in life it has a more damaging effect on the brain.
Analysing and expressing your feelings (benignly) and gaining more knowledge, gradually opens up doorways towards the Authentic Self. It is like changing the colour of a glass of water.
A little advice from Bob: "Don't overcommit with a decision. It may not be the right one, as it may not be the right direction.
Expand what life maybe is, by going out on your own and experience something different - by yourself - doing a number of things/experiences. These times you need to have time alone with your thoughts to reflect on what feels right and 'Is it You?'
You will never find 'You' with a group of others. The energy enters you as 'them,' and with 'them' you will never find 'You.' Give yourself time, be patient, and slowly enter a realm that will, or is maybe, 'You.' In time, your 'Inner Self,' that has been buried, with gradually surface."
Bob was born in the era of closed adoptions – the era around the 1950s and 1960s, in England. It was a time where a young single mother didn’t have much of a say in the future development of her child. Parents were either ruthless in directing their child to relinquish their daughter’s child; encouraged to give their child up for adoption; or abortion was another option. Society as a whole judged these mothers and could not accept that a single mother would provide sufficiently for her child. It was also wrong to be this way. The options were simple: abort or adopt.
Bob’s mother gave birth to him when she was 17 years of
age. Her parents were ruthless and strict in their endeavours to give up her
child. She was forbidden to have anything to do with the father. Bob’s mother
breastfed him until 6 weeks old and it was a great shock that she had to give him
up so soon. It was a shock to her that her child was taken from her; forever.
From this point she was not to know what happened to Bob. She was to forget it
happened and get on with her life. She didn’t. Bob found out later in life that
throughout his mother’s life she always wondered what happened to her child and
whether he was alright, and safe. She had thought this for 65 years.
This development, or enlightenment, took many years, as he had family responsibilities: They 'knew' him as another person, now he is this person, and two people, and had to maintain the other person also. For Bob, the hardest job was to integrate both without affecting the family unit. He kept this a secret.
Bob was adopted by loving parents who wanted children. It
was great joy to them that Bob entered their life. He was provided with the
love and care as a normal (biological) child could expect. Bob does not
remember much of his childhood up to 5 years of age; yet has photographs
reminding him of that time. He remembers his childhood was happy and free.
At 5 years of age his parents, with his adopted sister,
left on a 6 week journey by boat to Australia.They settled in a NSW country town and lived there until Bob was a teenager.
Bob
left school, settled into a job, married, established his own business,
produced two children. At 40 years of age he settled in a NSW coastal
town. Bob’s parents followed. At
this stage they were unwell, and died within 6 months of each other. They were
68 and 67 years of age. Bob was 41 years of age.
Bob’s adoptive parents were always caring and supportive.
He did not want to consider adoption during their life, even though throughout his
life he knew of his adoption. He had no interest in believing his parents were
not his parents. He didn’t want to discuss it, nor that he had another mother. He
wanted his parents to be his parents. But why?
Years later he found the reason why he
did not want to delve into the word "adoption" - He did not want to feel the disconnection loss of biological symbiosis he felt at 6 weeks of age - Like he had felt when he was taken away from his
mother at 6 weeks of age.
Bob had no memory of this event, yet this traumatic memory became a trauma blueprint within him - an
implicit memory of loss and disconnection.
His mother's shock of having to give away her child was also felt by Bob and lived within him during his life as an implicit memory.
Thus, he felt, implicitly and intuitively, he had to avoid this loss. For this reason, he was devoted to his
parents because they saved him from psychic annihilation - they saved his life. They just had to be his parents - there was no alternative.
After Bob’s adoptive mother died the loss was tremendous. He now
knows why. He had lost another mother and the implicit blueprint; the implicit
memory of loss had surfaced. It took over his body and soul. Bob then understood this
is how a child feels at 6 weeks of age when they are taken from their
mother.
During the next few years Bob endeavoured to cope with
life. As this implicit loss was now part of him psychosomatically, the feeling
of something more gradually formed within him. The psychological life connection with his adoptive parents was gradually dissipating as their conscious life was not with him anymore.
Bob’s body and soul was gradually saying:
“Who are you. What are you? There is something missing in life. What is it?”
This energy was searching and reaching for more meaning in life, and the
authentic Self - which Bob didn't quite understand fully at this stage.
Bob had no control over this feeling. The implicit loss, the
disconnection, had now surfaced and was affecting his life, and no longer safely
locked away. It became the pre-disposition impetus towards a gradual
enlightenment of life, and of his true Self.
Bob’s glass of water in life was now gradually changing to a colour. The
colour orange, because orange is the colour of light between yellow and red.
Eventually Bob reached a stage of life where life had to
be different. It had to be, otherwise he would not be able to function.
Bob
changed into another person, another identity, externally and internally. He
created a name for this other identity who became the main identity of the two
identities – the nurtured identity as an adopted child vs the nature identity Self.
This new person he
developed is the nature identity and became the strongest person who was a
willing participant to also gradually understand the other nurtured identity. Bob began to
understand the deepness of what he wanted for life.
As he had a deep loyalty to
his parents, the only alternative was to have these two lives, two identities, within one
person. Bob did not want to forget his parents, nor dismiss what they provided
for him. They provided him with one life and then he felt another life.
Bob now
had a nurtured life and also a nature life. This life became his Saviour. Bob
is that person today.
During this time, and to understand this development more, Bob read, studied, wrote and went away to experience and feel this new feeling of what he felt - he wanted to understand it more.
And found: "It is not possible to find your-Self without being by your-Self."
And found: "It is not possible to find your-Self without being by your-Self."
Many years of his conditioning and programming had to be questioned. Many years of feeling a certain way had to be eliminated, and a new Self had to emerge - the biological Self. The Self that Bob had locked away to survive; the Self that he couldn’t face because it would have been too traumatic to face; the Self that wasn’t him, but he had to live a certain way to survive in that world.
And from much “Empirical and Academic Knowledge” Bob found it. But what was the main Self he found? He found his main Self is to be alone - to live within his world - and not the society he sees. He would be classified as an introvert - a thoughtful one - the one that gains much peace from being with himself, and not with the frivolity of others in groups, nor superficial communication, nor a superficial life. He has depth. And why is this different to his nurtured life as an adopted child? Bob's parents wanted a family atmosphere, wanted to be part of other people, wanted that type of community connection. Bob is not that person - he is completely different. It is no wonder he felt confused through life. In the end, the ideal situation would have been to find this at an early age and understood and accepted adoption. But Bob and his parents lived in another era, and adoption was viewed much differently in those days. Also, children are taught that life is what you see in society. There is no discussion about psychosomatics, or why is society life like it is (economics), and the reality of an inner Self (Spiritual Science). Is it no wonder our society is fragmented - because our society is not attuned to our Natural-Self. Bob found it, yet, today, has to maintain the responsibility that their past (family) with Bob, is an important consideration for themselves, and he needs to keep his nurtured self (the self that was not real-self) separate to his biological Self. And live his life (as Self) within another dimension of his psyche.  This is outside programming and conditioning. They must be questioned and eliminated. Emotion needs to be controlled. Calmness becomes the foundation. Pragmatism through thoughtfulness becomes your eventual Saviour – you find Self. It is important to find yourself in your own space, without other influences. And talk to someone about how you feel one on one: say, a psychologist, to open up the trapped psyche that hasn’t surfaced. A psychologist you feel comfortable with. A group of similar people also helps in the initial stages, where you can listen to others to gain the knowledge of their life. Each step opens up your suppressed memory and enables you to gradually grow into You - your Authentic Self. This takes time, but the more you open up what is inside, the more you identify more parts of you that have been unknown, and they become important. This goes deep into your consciousness. Segments over time will surface and be enlightening. They will be important feelings for you.... For you to open up the possibilities of Self. (c) Mitchell Zen
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